The Best Books About Parenting
I tried to satisfy a lot of different instincts on this shelf as there is simply no single way to parent—and anyone who parents siblings knows, no two kids are alike and they all need radically different things. If there is one manual that I would prescribe to all parents it’s probably Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld’s Hold On To Your Kids—it’s about how in our age of disconnection, children become peer-attached rather than adult-attached (you can really only have one True North). It’s not that kids today are crueler, it’s simply that no child can function as a reliable True North for anyone else, much less another child.) There is a lot in here on attachment theory, childhood development, as well as more specialized focuses like diet.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Psychedelics & Consciousness
While Michael Pollan’s How To Change Your Mind is arguably the most famous book about psychedelics in recent years, there are many others, including Acid Trip, which is a biography of one of my personal heroes, Rick Doblin. (Rick is the head of MAPS, responsible for the decades long push to legalize and reschedule many psychedelics for therapeutic purposes.) When it comes to consciousness, every time I try to scratch that itch, I’m reminded that I know…nothing. And that we collectively know very little. But it is still one of my favorite areas of study.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Religion
I almost didn’t make this shelf because it needs a lot of help—I’ve been digging into the history of Early Christianity for the sake of the book I’m writing, but have been negligent in other areas and feel quite ignorant! This shelf will grow, hopefully with input from you.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Early Christianity
I’m fascinated by this era of history, particularly the story and role of Mary Magdalene and her moral exclusion from Christianity. There are many incredible books about her Gnostic gospel, along with the quasi-memoir Mary Magdalene Revealed by Megan Watterson (a dear friend). Elaine Pagels offers an incredible overview in The Gnostic Gospels. Meanwhile, if you want insight into how the gospels spread—via scribes and translators—then I encourage you to read Bart Ehrman, as he provides some clues as to how the church adopted their anti-Semitic and misogynistic views.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Spirituality & Mysticism
This is probably my favorite category of book, and I’m inclined to read in every direction. If you’re a listener to my podcast, Pulling the Thread, you’ll recognize Carissa Schumacher’s book (with Yeshua), The Freedom Transmissions—you can listen to our first conversation here, and our second conversation here. I also love Gurdjieff and the wisdom traditions and have found Cynthia Bourgeault to be my favorite guide in that space. (I love Eye of the Heart in particular.) And then of course there are people like Thomas Merton, a complete delight.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Mythology & Archetypes
This is a catch-all category, but includes some of my favorite books about these over-arching stories and systems that try to unify the human experience. If you don’t know your Enneagram type, I highly recommend digging into that system (I like the RHETI test, it’s $12, and Riso and Hudson have written many of the primary textbooks about the Enneagram). And then of course there’s Joseph Campbell, and his highly readable overview of mythology (The Power of Myth is a great start, and I adored Goddesses). Maria Tatar is a formidable expert/professor in fairytales, and then there’s some primers in Carl Jung and his archetypes (though I’m always trying to learn more).
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Intuition & Mediumship
When my brother-in-law died, I dove deeply into this world—while it didn’t allow me to obviate or even side-step my grief, I did find comfort in the pages of Laura Lynne Jackson’s The Light Between Us (and later, Signs)—and over the years, I’ve learned a lot from Laura Day, another incredible psychic/medium who is also very practical. She gave me the fantastic advice to put Peter to work on the other side, and to ask him for help in exactly the same areas and ways that I asked him when he was alive. It’s very much allowed me to keep my connection to Peter alive.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Trauma & Healing
You’ll find here some of the greatest thinkers on trauma in all its various forms (lower-case trauma, PTSD, collective trauma) and a wide-range of texts, including those that are a bit more academic (Peter Levine) to handbooks (Transforming Trauma by James Gordon). I’ve done TONS of interviews with trauma therapists over the past, including Galit Atlas on Pulling the Thread, as well as Terry Real—while he is not solely focused on trauma, his practice touches on lowercase trauma and the way it manifests in men.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Addiction
Is addiction a disease? That’s just one of the many swirling questions around this epidemic—if you ask Gabor Maté, one of my very favorite people and physicians, it’s not, if only because the addiction itself provides relief. His question is not, why the addiction, it’s why the pain? You’ll find several of his books on my shelf, along with Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke (a guest on Pulling the Thread), which suggests that addiction is a very big tent indeed, i.e., it is big enough to hold all of us. You’ll also find a selection of some of my favorite memoirs about addiction from various viewpoints, including parent (David Sheff’s Beautiful Boy) and participant (the wonderful Bill Clegg and Mary Karr).
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Dying, Death and Grief
I’m sorry that you find yourself here. Yet, as I’ve learned in my own life, there’s no way through without swimming through sorrow–and as difficult as these passages are, they deepen our experience, empathy, and resilience. You will find a range of books here that touch on many parts of this journey—some that will appeal to you, others that will not. Materialists will not enjoy my selection of books about life after death, for example. (If this is your cup of tea, start with The Light Between Us by Laura Lynne Jackson, Surviving Death, by Leslie Keane, and Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani.) My favorite interview subject, B.J. Miller’s The Beginner’s Guide to the End is an empathic read for practical questions and I heartily recommend all of the memoirs on this list, notably the wonderful Nora McInerny and Kate Bowler, as well as Paul Kalanithi’s exquisite When Breath Becomes Air and Nina Riggs’ The Bright Hour.
Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for more books to read. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Relationships
Finding our way to interdependence—or healthy and functioning relationships—is inarguably one of the most difficult things to do. And breaking up, whether it’s with a friend or a partner, can be one of life’s most difficult passages. There are some couples therapists who I would trust with my life, and you’ll find their picks in the shelf below (Stan Tatkin, Terry Real, the Gottmans, Esther Perel) along with other great therapeutic reads, like Lori Gottlieb’s Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Elizabeth Lesser’s Broken Open, where she grapples with her own divorce, and Molly Howes’s very useful book, A Good Apology. Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for recommendations. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
The Best Books About Sexuality
Sexuality is arguably one of the most complex facets of our lives, from the sublime to the scarring. You’ll find books ranging along the spectrum, touching on everything from desire (Arousal by Michael Bader) to rape (The Beginning and End of Rape by Sarah Deer) to memoirs (Know My Name by Chanel Miller and Notes on a Silencing by Lacy Crawford) to fidelity (The State of Affairs by Esther Perel). There are also several recommendations about children and sexuality (Dilemmas of Desire by Deborah Tolman, the canon of Peggy Orenstein). Please, as always, drop recommendations in the comments, I am always all ears for recommendations. The link below will take you to a shelf I curated on Bookshop with my picks—I earn an affiliate commission there, but it is ALWAYS MY PREFERENCE that you shop at and support your local bookseller, so no pressure to buy via Bookshop. This is the easiest way for me to organize and keep picks updated. Happy reading!
Past-Life Regression Therapists
I recently did an Instagram post about Past-Life Regression Therapy, which I’ve tried only once, many years ago. The therapist hypnotized me and regressed me back, though I was very present, which made me feel like the “content” was all of my imagining. (It was still interesting.) I did feel very real physical sensations in my body. I was inspired to try it thanks to famed psychiatrist Brian Weiss’s incredible book, Many Lives, Many Masters, which explores how he stumbled into past-life therapy after hypnotizing a patient and regressing her to early childhood. Suffice it to say that she went past early childhood into many, many previous life experiences, uncovering the roots of many of her present-day traumas in those existences. She also told Dr. Weiss about his own life, including his son who had passed, in the space between her lives. It was a powerful and transformative experience for him which informed his entire career—he now trains other therapists and teaches workshops all over the world. I found it difficult to find a past life regression therapist when I looked many years ago and asked for recommendations, and boy did I get them. I’m listing them all here, from comments on the post, and DM’s. I haven’t tried any of these people, so cannot vouch for any particular therapist—you’ll need to use your own discretion and determine who resonates, but wanted to share! Thank you for all your input, and please feel free to add more therapists and recommendations in the comments below.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (Recommendations via DM not credited):
@sherly.sulaiman (Recommended by unplugmeditation: “Is great!”)
@juliabrodska_hypnotherapy (Recommended by dariaaalalala: “Absolutely amazing in the space.”)
Pieter Elsen’s book, When Souls Awaken (Recommended by thelovingdiet: “He wrote my favorite book on the subject. He’s given great interviews.”
@atarahvalentine: “I do this. Honestly it doesn’t matter whether someone believes it is a past life or not as you are receiving messages from your subconscious that maybe ones trauma normally wouldn’t allow them to access otherwise!! It is a very powerful way to receive answers and clarity without reliving destabilizing experiences and is a great alternative to inner child work or regression therapy.”
Michael Newton’s books, Journey of Souls (Recommended by @nganvuongdesigns: “They're case studies of what happens in the spirit life between lives. He is a Psychologist who does regression hypnosis and writes about the culmination of decades of work in this field. It's fascinating. I'm not sure if he still practices but if he does I bet his wait list is years long.” (Note: He died in 2016.)
@lexywrensillevis: “I do this work—I’ve been astounded by dozens of clients accounts of past lives.”
@tonireilly (I have her book, she trained with Dr. Weiss.)
@stillwateralchemy (Recommended by @jenw27: “Matthew is incredible! He did a past life regression for me!”)
@thepastliferegressionist (Recommended by @tangienadimi: It was life changing! He also has a podcast where you can listen to the experiences of others.”)
@restorativehypnosis (Recommended by @marysuzannegarvey: “I love this wondrous man. He is very gifted.”)
@laura_pensiero (Recommended by @daniellarabbani: “She is a beautiful practitioner.”)
@danielryancrt (Recommended by @alyssamaria: I’ve done a regression in a group setting with him nd it revealed a pattern on relationships. It’s like watching a movie reel montage of snippets of each life.” Also recommended by @rachellerobinett.)
@pastlifemichelle (Recommended by @embodywithkate: “She is someone whom I have heard of and she speaks so well about her work (I have not had anything done-yet!-but I have heard she is good!)”)
@insanejoybrain (Recommended by @alexoxoomm)
@gaia.balbi (Recommended by @vedatalks: “She is a beautiful guide.”)
@alexandrealightfoot (Recommended by @mattiexoxo: “I highly recommend! When she told me about my past lives I felt it so deep in my soul.”)
@mindsetting.with.mariko @seesoul.co (Recommended by @ktserda)
@nikicozmo (Recommended by @urban_buddha: “Is an expert in the space!”)
Brian Weiss’s other book, Only Love is Real (Recommended by @cambalena)
@carlynbryan (Recommended by @itsdanikamiller: “She has recently started her journey as a past life regression practitioner.”)
@jeroenislove “Hey! My friend tagged me on this past life regression post saying that you’re looking for a practitioner. I’ve been a past life regressionist trained by Dolores Cannon since 2006 and regressed a couple of thousand people. I love sharing the wonderful experiences I’ve had and the learning I’ve gleaned from it.”
@kelli.reese: “I read his book in the first few years that it came out. Aging myself. lol. I spent a year doing past life regression therapy in NYC. It was enlightening and healing. That was back in the late 90’s. These days, past life healing is part of the work I do. It’s still amazing to me what comes up for clients and the healing that can take place from the information that comes through.”
Carol Mann: Recommended by @hilaryfritsch: “Okay so I had soul reading with Carol Mann who lives in Jackson Hole. She can meet with you in the phone though. She won’t take you back through hypnosis but she will tell you the core quality of your soul and what happened in your past lives. It was AMAZING. she also did my husband and he was actually famous in one life so we looked him up. It was really resonant and pretty interesting. Her readings on my kids were also SUPER INTERESTING and help me understand them better. She is very talented and has written some books.”
@raoufamehdi (Recommended by @tateetati: “is great practitioner!”)
@jeroenislove (Comment above, also recommended by @erika4la: “I highly recommend Jeroen. Also, Many lives Many Masters changed my life when I was 22.”)
Debbie Pesino (Recommended by @emilyklimastudio)
@exploreyourlives (Recommended by @elisekentdowney, who responded: “This work is incredible! I trained with Brian over a decade ago and it was like sitting at the foot of the master! Reach out to get your soul’s perspective and discover more! I am happy to answer all your questions and guide you to get the answers and healing you are seeking!”)
@belovehealings (Recommended by @lindseyclancey: “Does past life regression therapy, and I know he’d be more than happy to work with you!”)
@truewoowellness (Recommended by @racheltonkin1: “They have a past life regressionist on their platform who I have used - Julie Goeller. It was an incredible experience!!”)
@mirakelley (Recommended by @jessicacreeton)
@laurenwingateintuitive (Recommended by @d2interieurs: “She is incredible and can help you. I have gone with her into many of my past lives.”
@albaweinman (Recommended by @sarapaul290)
@femme_path “Me!! I get past-life information that comes through all the time in the sessions I offer. I don’t specifically call it “past-life regression” because that’s not exactly what I do (I don’t do hypnosis); but when I tune into your energy, I will often have information come through that offers insight and awareness to support you in shifting and releasing patterns that no longer serve you. This can come from early life or past lives. I typically guide you through a short meditation that then brings us back to that time and we can release what is holding you back in this life 🤍✨”
Wayan Wayasa (Yoga Barn Bali) Rani Maree (Byron Bay) Jaya Lea (Toronto) Lena Hamilton (Vancouver Island)
Elisabeth Manning (Conscious Conception)
Waiting vs. Patience
I’ve always been impatient: Tapping my foot behind slowpokes in the airport security line, willing people to talk faster during meetings that could have been an email…you know the type. I’m also terrified of being late, which I learned from my father, who never understood that it’s rude to show up to a party 10 minutes before it’s scheduled to begin. (Everyone knows you come late, giving the host a necessary grace period.)
But Carissa Schumacher (one of my spiritual teachers, you can listen to her on the podcast here) explained to me that there is a critical difference between patience and waiting. Waiting carries with it so much expectation—we think we’re being patient, but really we’re waiting. Patience requires a level of faith, a welcoming to the unknown, without prediction, assumptions, or a need for ongoing assurance that you’ll get what you’re “waiting” for.
I am really working hard to cultivate patience, to submit to DST (divine standard time), to letting events unfold in the way they are meant to, without forcing. I’ve found that as I’ve detached from the energy of waiting (with expectation), I’ve become much more clear-eyed about seeing the underlying reason why something happened, or didn’t happen, even if it doesn’t align with what I think I wanted.
It’s a practice though, for sure, but feels like an alchemical key to co-creating with the divine, the universe, etc., which requires letting them take a hand in the unfolding without trying to control the entire process. I’m a work in progress and it’s hard—aforementioned impatience—but so far it hasn’t let me down. Can anyone relate?
Books from Pulling the Thread Guests
Organizing books and book recommendations is an ongoing effort—and I’ll do my best to stay on top of it! Using Bookshop is the easiest organization effort for me, so you’ll find lists there (and yes, I do earn an affiliate). That said, it’s my absolute preference that you buy books from your favorite local bookseller! (That’s how I do it—shout-out to Diesel Books.)
Stop Chasing Rainbows
In October 2020, I was in Utah with a small group of friends and about 60 other seekers with Carissa, a psychic medium who is also a full-body channel for Yeshua. Yep, that Yeshua. Otherwise known as Jesus. My presence there was improbable—I’m not religious, though have become quite spiritual in the past decade—but the information Carissa was bringing forth felt more resonant than anything I’ve heard in a long time. (You can listen to my podcast with Carissa, here—it also contains a lot more information about how she is who she is.) One of the instructions that week in October 2020 was to stop chasing rainbows. As Carissa offered, when we stop chasing, they can lay them at our feet. Later that afternoon we went out to the mud flats to do a little ceremony and I took this photo of my friend, Taryn. Chills.
A year later, this past October, I was back with Carissa when she reminded us yet again to stop chasing rainbows. That our move to take control is an obvious counter-measure to fear, but that the gesture itself severs our faith and moves us back into separation. The divine—the universe, nature, Yeshua, Elmo, spirit guides, Buddha, Allah, whatever you want to call it—wants to help us, but when we act as though the Divine isn’t big enough for our problems (or our life is too insignificant for the Divine), they can’t. “When you stop chasing rainbows, we will lay them at your feet.” It’s such hard instruction to take. I’m so used to doing, doing, doing; working, working, working; worrying, worrying, worrying.
Carissa also told us to be cognizant of when a rainbow becomes a crucifix. We’ve all had that experience of something that seems joyful at the beginning transitioning into a burden—and yet we feel like we can’t put it down. Put it down. We’re not supposed to be carrying crucifixes.
I work with a healer named Anne Emerson on occasion—we chat by phone and she helps me bring my attention to unconscious blocks. It’s a kind of tactical therapy that I find very useful, particularly when I’m feeling really suck in a pattern that I can’t quite identify. From thousands of miles away, she’ll read me statements about beliefs I hold about myself that sometimes don’t have anything to directly do with what I’ve been telling her. They always hit hard and deep (and then we do some work to clear them). On a recent call, she told me that I am designed in a way that makes me very sensitive for pressure. It makes me a little insane in my insistence on doing whatever someone needs, as fast as possible. It’s shown up in my life as a lack of firm boundaries. Anne instructed me that I am no longer allowed to respond to any request in the moment, even if it sounds joyful, or like a rainbow. I must wait and ask my body. “Is this a yes for me? Or is this a no?” Time is my friend, as is my body—and yet I never give either a chance to help mediate. Her advice has proven valuable and really given me time to figure out what I want, rather than what other people might need or want from me.
So don’t go chasing waterfalls guys. Patience is in the wait.
Meanwhile, Carissa also publishing a beautiful book this November called The Freedom Transmissions. Well, actually, Yeshua is the author. I highly recommend.
The Difference Between Faith & Belief
In Alan Watts’s classic, The Wisdom of Insecurity, he writes about the difference in faith and belief in a way that opened up a door in my mind: The way I understand his description reads to me as the difference between dogma and an agnostic spirituality. It’s the difference between an assurance that you know how things are, and a willingness to recognize that you never will.
He writes:
We must here make a clear distinction between belief and faith, because, in general practice, belief has come to mean a state of mind which is almost the opposite of faith. Belief, as I use the word here, is the insistence that the truth is what one would “lief” or wish it to be. The believer will open his mind to the truth on condition that it fits in with his preconceived ideas and wishes. Faith, on the other hand, is an unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be. Faith has no preconceptions; it is a plunge into the unknown. Belief clings, but faith lets go. In this sense of the word, faith is the essential virtue of science, and likewise of any religions that is not self-deception.
Most of us believe in order to feel secure, in order to make our individual lives seem valuable and meaningful. Belief has thus become an attempt to hang on to life, to grasp and keep it for one’s own. But you cannot understand life and its mysteries as long as you try to grasp it. Indeed, you cannot grasp it, just as you cannot walk off with a river in a bucket, it is clear that you do not understand it and that you will always be disappointed, for in the bucket the water does not run. To “have” running water you must let go of it and let it run. The same is true of life and of God.
Belief clings, but faith lets go. I love this whole passage so much. I also love the way he picks apart the specificity of language, reminding us to look at etymology and roots rather than jumping to conclusions made by cultural shortcuts. Faith, for example, is so commingled with religion, that people no longer understand what it actually means. As Cynthia Bourgeault explains, “I am quite certain, for example, that this direct noetic seeing is what St. Paul had in mind by the term faith (as in “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”). But in our own diminished age even faith has now gone dark and tends to be understood as a “blind” leap into the dark rather than a luminous perception of the invisible golden thread.”
Times are weird as hell—culturally, socially, emotionally, energetically. It feels like the world is trying to get back on its feet after being felled in a forest, and the air seems labored and hard—like we’re all trying to get back up to pace after a long time of not running at all. I don’t think belief does us much good in these moments, when everything seems so uncertain; it’s not an optimistic stance. But, faith on the other hand, feels like an opening—not a surrender, per se, but an “unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be.” It’s not a surprise that the subtitle of Watts’s book is “A Message for the Age of Anxiety.” It’s an old book, but it’s an eternally relevant sentiment. Perhaps, because with belief, we fixate on the future as though it’s something that we can will into being—worrying about the future is the engine of anxiety. The antidote is allowance, more faith, less fixating.
Why the Language of “Discovery” Irks Me
This is a minor quibble, probably not worth stating. But it grates nonetheless. I was chatting this morning with a casting director about a famous project she did, one that launched many now-dazzling careers. “Wow, so many discoveries,” was my response. And she said that she refuses to use the word “discover” in that context anymore. I had to take my hat off to her as her point is that the actors were already there, doing their thing, typically graduates from drama schools, theater programs, and so on, hustling for jobs, plying their trade. Sure, she’d been part of a conduit for a life-changing opportunity, but it had been achieved on their own steam, their own hard-work and talent. She just happened to be there at a key moment and recognize their aptitude and gift for a role.
I love her forthrightness about this, particularly within a context where your ego could easily get wrapped up in your ability to identify future stars—and launch them on their path. It’s so easy to own other peoples’ accomplishments when you touched their light in the journey. I deeply respect her restraint and humility.
I feel like we see this type of language all the time in the context of travel, too. And historically I’m sure I’ve done the same. “I discovered this little gem of a hotel/hike/coffee shop.” No, I didn’t. It was there. It feels very Columbus-like, does it not, to presume something only came into existence when you first saw it with your own eyes? It also has the sting of claiming something simply because you think it’s worthy. It’s like scientists who “discover” species and then call them after themselves, as though that species weren’t long-existing, not needing to be named into existence.
The Issue of Gratitude
I wonder if its not a misnomer, or if we haven’t appropriated the word and applied it in ways in which it was never intended. To me, gratitude feels akin to wonder and awe—the sense of being connected to something much larger than myself, a joy of communion. Not necessarily a mechanism for expressing thanks.
I’ve been thinking about the idea of gratitude a lot lately—and my complicated feelings about the concept. The science that supports its practice for mental health is manifold, certainly, and I feel awash in it frequently. I try to cultivate it whenever possible. But I wonder if its not a misnomer, or if we haven’t appropriated the word and applied it in ways in which it was never intended. To me, gratitude feels akin to wonder and awe—the sense of being connected to something much larger than myself, a joy of communion. Not necessarily a mechanism for expressing thanks.
As a parent, there’s a fair amount of pressure to ensure that your kids express gratitude—an acknowledgment of how lucky they are to have what they have (including, of course, how lucky they are to have you as their parents). I felt this pressure as a child: “Do you know how lucky you are to have this home-cooked dinner—there are starving children in the world?” “Do you realize how lucky you are to be on this vacation—do you know how many kids would kill for this trip?” This isn’t necessarily the wrong impulse. I don’t want to raise spoiled assholes either, or entitled brats. But kids are kids: An essential part of growing up, of life in general, is coming into an understanding of yourself within a much wider context, not being told how you should feel. I don’t know that we can, or should, shortcut our kids to this understanding, particularly when there’s still so much inequity in our world. Is it not more powerful, more animating, more activating, for them to arrive at this conclusion themselves? I’m not sure that burdening them with guilt about a life that they did not choose is the right way to ensure that they lean into engaging with the world to make it better for others. I want them to be good citizens born out of revelation rather than duty; I want them to be good citizens out of feeling connected rather by trying to erase feelings of shame that they got an unfairly positive shake in the life lottery.
Being a parent is a choice (or, it should be) and it is an act of service. There can only be giving, with no expectation of reciprocity—that’s the definition of unconditional love. I can never repay my parents for my life, or the opportunities that they afforded me. There’s nothing I can or should do to make them feel like it was “worth it” to raise me. It can never be a quid-pro-quo relationship; there’s no perfect balance between parents and children, no way to equal or cancel out effort or love. I think we often get this wrong in our culture. I think we get this wrong when we command gratitude from our children, when we establish a system in which they “owe us” something…even if that something is only recognition.
Gratitude isn’t checks and balances, it isn’t debts paid. It’s a burden unless its freely given, as the purest expression of the soul. Of course I’m grateful for my parents, and for their continued existence on the planet; I’m grateful for my childhood, for my brother’s company, for the wild woods in which I roamed. But I’m not sure that what I thought was appropriate gratitude as a child—thank you for this, thank you for that—was felt at all. I think it was a performance, because I didn’t really understand.
I’m most grateful for my own children, though, and not because of their filial duty and obedience, or their good manners or good grades. I’m grateful for their presence, their essential natures, their unencumbered joy. I would like them to keep that for as long as possible, that lack of self-consciousness, the distance from guilt and shame. The world will deliver the latter them to spades over time, I feel no need to compound the wound or rub their faces in it. Playing this long-game will require patience; it means I must resist more immediate gratification (literally). But I’m hoping for good citizens born out of an innate desire to give, not demanded out of obedience. Only time will tell.
We Need to Listen to More Women
We’re in a new era of awareness about the equity of conversations—who gets a platform, a microphone, a book deal, a tenure-track job—but it also rests on all of us to pay attention to who we choose to listen to and who we vest with authority.
I had lunch with a friend and former boss a few weeks ago and we were talking about the relatively imminent launch of my podcast, and what I’d need to do to support its success. Podcasts are notoriously tricky to market, particularly if you don’t have a massive following on social; typically, the best means for getting the word out besides drafting on the algorithm of the charts and hoping for discovery (the charts are a mystery, as they don’t seem to be particularly accurate) is guesting on other podcasts and simple word-of-mouth. That really is the most productive marketing mechanism—and you can’t game it.
David, my friend and former boss, is a huge fan of Sam Harris, the neuroscientist/philosopher who hosts Making Sense, and he suggested I pitch myself for his show. “He doesn’t really interview women,” I replied reflexively. Later that night, I decided to fact-check myself. Up until relatively recently, podcasts have been a bro industry, completely dominated by men like Joe Rogan, Tim Ferriss, Marc Maron, Ben Shapiro, and recently, Dax Shephard’s “Armchair Expert,” which he co-hosts with Monica Padman. True Crime of every variation, shows like “The Daily,” “This American Life,” and “Stuff You Should Know” also top the charts. As for women, “Call her Daddy,” a podcast about sex and relationships from Alexandra Cooper permeates the top. When I was there, the goop Podcast did well (I’m sure it still does) and Brené Brown broke through in a big way with her show, “Unlocking Us.” But it’s definitely a lot of dudes.
And no, they don’t really interview women. I did a quick tabulation of a couple of shows up through the beginning of June 2021 (I didn’t bother with Joe Rogan as he is famous for talking to very few ladies), and this is what I found: 79 out of 561 Tim Ferriss episodes feature women as guests (15.31%); 37 out of 251 Sam Harris episodes feature women as guests (14.74%); and 107 out of 333 Dax Shepherd episodes feature women as guests (32.13%). On the flipside, 21 out of 57 episodes on Brené Brown’s “Unlocking Us” feature men as guests (36.84%), which goes slightly higher on “Dare to Lead” (44.82%). Go Brené! (When I was at goop, 42.12% of episodes featured men.)
To be fair, I’m going to guess that there simply hasn’t been much consciousness around equity when it comes to booking guests, particularly for the men who have been at this for many years—they’re just booking who they want to speak to, without an eye for parity. But it also reflects a wider bias in the consciousness, which is that men are typically perceived as more “expert.” And they certainly dominate the top of every industry. But women outpace men in education, starting with the earliest grades; and we also read more. We have a lot to share and say.
I’ve started booking guests for my podcast—coming in September!—targeting a dream list of people, many of whom have big books. Of the 20 people I’ve either booked or am attempting to book, only four are men. I haven’t done this consciously—i.e. I’m not trying to be a counterweight to the dominance of male guests by others pods—but I do think it speaks to a changing tide in the world of ideas: Many of the most exciting books coming out are authored by women.
We’re in a new era of awareness about the equity of conversations—who gets a platform, a microphone, a book deal, a tenure-track job—but it also rests on all of us to pay attention to who we choose to listen to and who we vest with authority. I love men; there will be a lot of men on the podcast. But I’ve often found that the most illuminating and vibrant conversations are with women who don’t get to speak as much. May we hear them all and honor them with our time.