You can also listen to this episode on Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Dan Savage started his sex-advice column in the early 90s. And he started the Savage Lovecast, a call-in, sex advice podcast back in 2006. Dan is also an author and LGBT activist alongside his husband. For a long time, Dan has been one of the preeminent thinkers on sex and relationships, but really his scope is so much broader than that. He has such an interesting, provocative—and I think—well-informed perspective on our culture.

I don’t do many podcast episodes on sex these days, but I loved talking to Dan, and he actually also interviewed me for his own podcast as well. And again, we talked about a lot more than sex in both conversations.

In this conversation, we explored how sex and relationships get conflated. We talked about why monogamy is correlated with relationship instability, why Dan wishes we would think of a monogamous commitment as a goal, and how he thinks about infidelity and repair.

Dan also shares a word he came up with, which is “tolyamory.” It means tolerating your lover’s bullshit, essentially. As an etymology nerd, I loved this.

We talked about the ways in which our culture purports to value marriage, but in truth, is desperate to control our sexuality, as if it could.

We get into identities, orientations, preferences, language, and how we’re raising kids today. And Dan shares why he would like us all to have a little more chill when it comes to the natural assumptions people make of us.

Then, Dan shares his take on heteropessimism, and what makes a man an attractive partner.

There’s so much to unpack with this one, and a lot to keep thinking and talking about. I hope it sparks something for you, too.

Dan’s Podcast: Savage Lovecast

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