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Doctors John and Julie Gottman are two of the most famous and popular couples therapists in the world—not only because of their ability to impart relationship-saving and relationship-strengthening advice, but because of John Gottman’s decades of research in the so called “Love Lab,” where he observed couples over time and could predict—with a dizzying level of success—who was destined to divorce.
In short, the Gottmans are the world’s leading relationship scientists, having gathered data on thousands of couples—they then use those findings to train clinicians and create simple principles for couples around the world.
In their latest book, Fight Right, they explore conflict—something we’re all trained to avoid at all costs. Their point though, which their research supports, is that conflict is essential for healthy relationships, clearing out the brush of stagnant resentments and deepening bonds.
In today’s conversation, we explore everything from fighting styles—there’s avoiders, validators, and volatiles—along with our tendency to start conflict harshly because we feel like we need a lot of ammo to justify the rupture and make our point. And then we move to modes and paths of repair, along with what their latest research can tell us about infidelity and its root cause.
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TRANSCRIPT:
(Edited slightly for clarity.)
ELISE LOEHNEN: As always, I feel like your books are well timed, right? The whole world needs a primer on Conflict, and how essential it is, and how it can bring us into connection, but how difficult it is, and we all lack this basic training, right? This is not something that we're taught, which is so unfortunate, right? As this core reality of being human, why are we not taught how to have healthy conflict?